Human Interaction

     One of the most annoying things that I have come to notice lately is the fact that it is very hard for me to be productive after the sun goes down. I have sadly never put the two together until now. Getting up early has definitely been a much needed addition to my daily routine. Getting up at eight or nine in the morning gives me a better start to my day, and enables me to get some errands or household chores done before starting any official work business. Now, to some of you, that may not seem early. But for little old me, that is much better than ten, eleven, or some times even noon that I was doing before.

     As silly as it sounds, getting up earlier also enables me to eat the breakfast I'd like to eat with without feeling near as much guilt for it. This morning, I started my day off with meeting a friend of mine for breakfast downtown. Eating at First Watch, I had a green salad dressed in a light vinaigrette, sourdough toast, and only ate about half of my Italian frittata. Of course, I also had a cup or two of warm fresh coffee, topped off with two creamers. Also, WATER. Even with all of that, water is still super important. I had two small glasses as well.

     So, my breakfast meeting with the friend holds about an hour, hour and a half, of conversation. After my meal I made my way towards home, taking the scenic route, in order to fit in more of the Guys We F*cked podcast (which I highly recommend to ANYONE.) Eventually made my way home,  showered, and time to start prepping for the next step in my day: Laundy or; quickly washing my work uniform before work because I've probably worn the same pair of black slacks and white button up for about a week without cleaning it. (Oops?) Unfortunately for me, laundry occurs at the near by Laundromat, due to the fact I do not have a washer OR dryer in my home. This makes doing one SINGLE load of laundry take an HOUR, which is EXTREMELY ANNOYING TO ME.

     This is where one of my new trial thingys come into play. As I am waiting on my clothes to wash I actually picked up a book AND actually READ some of it. The book I am currently working on is called Word Controlled Humans. Personally, so far it's pretty dry for me, a lot, a lot of lengthy words just to describe not a whole lot. This isn't a poetry book people, it should not have such lofty language, in my opinion. I switch my laundry, and check social media, while listening to music. Now, doing all this as quickly as the machines would allow, left me with about fifteen whole minutes to: drive home; get my work shoes, change, and clock in. However, I made it in time, and dropped the clothes off. Look at me go.

     Work was a completely different story. It was slow, and customers were pretty scarce. This did give me the chance to be very polite and give my tables extra attention, however. Which doing these things led to better quality of tips. Less work, for more money, win-win. Now we get to post work and this is where life becomes a struggle, because I am only home about an hour before the anxiety of being lonely kicks in.

     I am literally alternating in no particular order from: working on the curtain I am making for my roommates window; cooking dinner, listening to my podcast, and tidying up just to try and distract my brain. Like I said, this didn't last long enough for me. Thoughts of lonely kick in, and my whole brain and body starts fighting the productivity back. Putting me in a manic\OCD type of state, which makes me very unproductive. Let's not forget that during all this I am being contacted by human beings, just none of which I really like. I shall break it down. James went to his interview; haven't heard anything since. Beasley seems to have it stuck in his head he has a shot at- I don't even know to be honest. Then there's sporadic messages from a cute guy I met at work, and a cute guy I met online. Neither of which men, I know well enough to really look forward to conversation with either of them. OH, oh, but finally, I'll say "Ed," Ed, who won't leave me be, yet what he says hold no weight or meaning, which is just a bother to me. Amongst all that, I AM STILL LONELY. This, is where my problems lie people! I need mutual interaction, preferably human interaction.

     I vacuumed, cooked, made curtains, read, wrote, listened to music, podcasts... AND I AM STILL FOCUSED ON BEING THE ONLY ONE HOME. Damn you anxiety. So here is where I am going to try and find a few small hobbies, or reconnect with some old ones, that will hopefully be productive enough to occupy my brain fully to bring me more fulfilling reactions.

First Thing

Being a writer with anxiety means sometimes just staring at the screen,
trying to write, gives you anxiety.
It means feeling like you're unable to do the only thing you're actually capable of doing.
Like the swimmer is afraid of diving,
I mean, deep water.
I mean-drowning?
What I was trying to say is that
I'm still trying to figure out how what I love most
Could be in the middle of what I'm most scared of ...
But the show must go on, right?
Or wait...
That's in show business, isn't it.
But isn't writing show business?
Just people, show-ing our business? 
To everyone,
and anyone who will listen.
In hopes that maybe one of them too will be their own oxymoron.
and ironically,
they will smile.


     So I didn't intend to start this blog off with a poem, yet, here we are poem at the top of the page. I think it is important to address feelings in this whole blog. I really want this to be interactive and inclusive. We all too often are told how to reach our destination, but never really told what to do when we get there. I myself and trying to figure out my own way of going about it.

     Since I moved out, at eighteen, I was always worried about money. Being on top of things, and ahead with money was always my first concern. Finally getting a mental grip on finances, I am moving onto another focus, which brings me to this blog. I want to share with the world how I am discovering my path in hopes others will learn there's along with me.

     My new focus being how to be happy. Now I don't mean learning how to Be happy. I mean staying happy. I don't have to cope with as manch mental stressors. My anxiety and depression have been subsiding. I have spent half my life learning to cope, and now I don't need to cope? Like, what? lol. So here I am, mostly calm, or more often anyway. Now what?


     Well, for me I want to start with finding more quality relationships. Weeding out toxic ones I currently possess, and cultivating the promising ones. People are everywhere, people of every kind. You have to be the one to go out and find the ones you like. Kind of like grocery shopping, but for human companionship. Soo I have to learn what has the best quality, preferably organic produce.